Hope this blog post finds you enjoying your deep and delicious summer. We’ve been so blessed with such joyful sunshine this season while tumult spells summer for many around the world. I hope you are safe, sexy and sound in yourself, getting ready for a beautiful Autumn which blows in a bit more with each gust of August wind. I have been keeping very busy with all manner of things but have been nesting sweetly too. Keeping in touch with myself, my new love and my direction requires a real commitment and it has meant less time for some things and a rebalancing overall. Sometimes rebalancing feels like hard work – sometimes it actually is – but I’m enjoying the commitment and the focus.
In my last column, I updated you about some long awaited, awesome love I was blissfully living in and I’m happy to tell you that the sweetness continues still. The balance I’ve found has been astonishing and inspiring but also hard work, in a genuine way. My partner identifies as a woman and I’m new-ish, to be honest, when it comes to seeing women. I haven’t loved many women, in fact, I’ve loved two and dated two others. Now, normally, I wouldn’t be so gender binary about stuff but what I’ve addressed in myself is just that: normative standards which I have accepted all my life, have been taught most of life, suddenly being undone by great love.
I am, in all likelihood, not much different to you. I was born and raised in a small town. I had siblings, I had hobbies, I went to school and I had a few lovely friends growing up. I liked boys but I preferred hanging out with them, had a few boy crushes but in my early teens I had my whole life set out: I would be a big star on Broadway, have fourteen kids and no husband. Because of different influences I just didn’t imagine myself having a husband, I didn’t see myself having that kind of relationship with a man. I didn’t see husbands as partners, I saw them as liabilities, something to manage. Again, that was certainly from my own experiences but also, in hindsight, because I didn’t feel I wanted to connect to a man like that. Now, for not one second did I think “Hmmm, what about a woman?” I just thought love would find me later in life when boys had grown into men, all my dreams were fulfilled and whatever else my funny child mind had worked out about the world.
In that clichéd-for-a-reason way, I found myself one drunk evening in a very intimate situation with a good female friend at the end of high school. Through the heavy mix of whatever we had been drinking I remember feeling incredibly different kissing and touching her. Not to say I hadn’t cared about the boys I’d kissed and touched before but I really felt strongly how much I cared for her, a strong drive in me to worship, pleasure and relish in everything she was. I had definitely never felt that for a boy. And again, I didn’t think I was ‘gay’, I just thought I was in love with her and figured she was the exception. I continued to date boys for most of my lover life. I was so wired, I was blind.
Yadda, yadda, yadda, I’m in love with a woman. Many lovely people and experiences have lead me to where I am today, which is my first primary partnership with a radiant, timeless and stunning woman. It’s the little things that caught in my programmed net in the beginning: feeling shy about expressing intimacy in public, wondering about introducing them to my biological family and the new found joy of sharing most of our clothes. The harder deprogramming has come in stranger ways, the physical body sometimes being a block. The most exquisite, thrilling and incredible body I might add, because of this wiring. I would find myself in a deep embrace of lust and transformative love and suddenly I would be yanked out of things because of these perfect, poetic breasts I had almost forgot about. The physical cock that just isn’t there. Because of all the things I feel when I am with this person, things I never imagine I could or would feel with a woman, I have therefore sometimes been surprised by the fact that she is a woman. Taken a back. Nothing too drastic mind you, everything usually continues with its usual flare and intimacy but this schism has been very present at times and something I really have to reflect on afterwards.
I did an amazing workshop a few months ago called ‘Cunt Awakening’ (stay tuned for a blog post on that experience, it has taken a lot of processing) and the rebalancing of my connection to my cunt and the cunts I shared the experience with really made me realise one of my deepest crossed circuits was in my own relationship to my body. Walking through Soho a few weeks ago my bestgay and I were chatting about my new love and he said: “But how is it though? Like the cunt, it’s right there in your face!” Yes, very tactful, I agree, but it did help me realise that once I healed some of my relationship to my own body, to my cunt, the Universal Cunt, it became so much more possible to love another and another’s. Something about awakening this profound acceptance and love of myself freed me and opened me up to the possibility of the kind connection I treasure now.
And so I rebalance: my perceptions of gender, identity and physical body, my beliefs about love, partnership and sex, my confusion, programming and learned values. I’m giving myself a lot of space in adjustment, working not to pressure myself so much and finding time to process all the wonderful, shattering things I have been lucky enough to be blessed with. Ultimately, I am in love and lust with an earth bound angel, who identifies as a woman, but as I transition I am sweetly reminded to give space for new understanding, lifestyle and personal balance. Give yourself space, my darling ones. Be sweet and strong in discovering your own balance and self. Until Then! Love, Lust and Light xxx
This post was written by RWL columnist Rubyyy Jones – Rubyyy Jones is a performer, writer and producer, living and working in London. As a writer, Rubyyy’s ethos is of love, lust and light and she has been published internationally online and in print regarding sex, erotica, feminism and LGBTQ activism. You can find her on Twitter and Facebook. Images via ArTeTeTrA, Darren Johnson, Desi Cardona and e-ta-i‘s Flickr Photostreams.