Hoping this little blog post finds you feeling absolutely joyous and gentle at the same time. So much has been going on in the world, my world and, therefore no doubt, your world. I hope things feel positive even when they feel dark, that your focus is on fabulous ‘you’ in times of tumult and that you seek the sweetness of contentment each moment you can. I am doing just that. Failing glamorously sometimes but, as you may remember, I’m a non-expert expert, in sex and in life. I’m not perfect or fearless but I want the best for myself nowadays and that is work – a practice that’s helping me feel good and strong from moment to moment.
And yes, you may remember I’m your non-expert sex expert but I am no longer a no-sex-having non-expert sex expert. It took me a while to decide if I would share this knowledge with you because it’s not my business to tell and I’m very protective of this individual whom I love very much. With loving consent I share this information with you. I’m very happily in love with someone and it has transformed my experience of sensuality and sexual connection and part of that is because I did something I’ve never done before. I waited.
From the first moment I saw them I was moved, stirred and because of various situations, reasons, I didn’t feel through those feelings initially. In the past I would have pursued, intently, a feeling like this but I waited. We formed a casual friendship, never seeing each other outside of a group setting but friends nonetheless. I didn’t even know I was waiting, but I was. I worked on myself, challenged myself. They did too. They were challenged in a big way and our friendship grew deeper, as I supported them through these hurdles, as I continued to challenge and support myself.
I waited. I wanted to be sure. Everything smoothed out a bit and the waiting felt like agony sometimes. We were friends and I had to stop myself from grabbing their face and kissing it or make sure no one caught me simply drinking them in from across the room. I resigned myself, for reasons, to the fact that I would always wait for this person, that it would be love unrequited and the glorious pleasure I got just from being around them and loving them would be my earthly reward…
Then I asked myself: Why? Whyyy would I deny myself the opportunity to express love. This person was kind and good and would surely handle my heart with care as I carved it out of my body and offered it to them on a platter of flowers. I could trust them. Why would I deny myself the splendid fool’s leap into the unknown of speaking words of adoration and affection? Heartbreak is but the ache of the same heart which burns! Should the loving not be the same in return? Well so be it, but to think I would never express it, never know, that was a decision I could not make. I waited some more. I care deeply for this person and wanted to be as clear as possible within my own feelings before I shared them. I respect this person at a whole new level for me and am inspired by them immensely, again, I needed to be as clear as possible within my own feelings before I shared. The waiting became a sweeter agony as I felt more sure in myself, my ‘why’s’ and my wants. And then we waited together.
We shared our feelings, in a very calm and quiet way. We waited. We talked about how we were each feeling and we asked questions that were tender and bold. We waited. We talked about the beginnings, when things changed, what changed and we waited some more still. The mutual respect and admiration we have is something I’ve never experienced and is pivotal. When we decided not to wait any longer, it was with my whole being that I gave myself to this person and that is what I received in return. A whole experience, heart and expression given to me and by me because this was a person I loved in various ways, trusted in many ways and was moved by in all ways. I’ve never waited before. I’ve followed my ‘heart’ and never let love and lust blossom before I fell spinning into someone. I feel like I’m simultaneously spinning and standing still, in the centre of this astonishing force of nature, grounded but swept up and away from anything outside of love.
Hope you enjoy my post about love, lust and discovery. Until next time, enjoy the succulence of waiting.
This post was written by RWL columnist Rubyyy Jones – Rubyyy Jones is a performer, writer and producer, living and working in London. As a writer, Rubyyy’s ethos is of love, lust and light and she has been published internationally online and in print regarding sex, erotica, feminism and LGBTQ activism. You can find her on Twitter and Facebook. All images by Rubyyy Jones.