I am riding high on the full moon Valentines craziness that we’ve just passed through and it feels good. I feel exhausted in many ways but most of them feel excellent. I have been pushing my body a bit more in the last couple months, being gentle, but also challenging myself in my lifestyle – keep an eye on my blog and social media accounts for my #40dayyy challenges and my exploration of #addictionrecovery2014 – and I have felt stronger in many ways because of it. This renewed focus has brought me back into my body and I am experiencing, exploring and engaging with my physical body in new, and remembered ways, which has had me pondering touch.
When it comes to sex we so often focus on tools for orgasm or ‘ultimate pleasure’ techniques and frankly I’m bored of the sexual side of things; being your no-partner-sex-having non-expert-sex-expert I’ve taken steps towards a different intimacy and find myself drawn to discovering softer sensuality. There are things you, of course, miss when you aren’t making love with someone else. I work hard, my body works hard, and sometimes at the end of the day I wish someone was there to skim, press and own my body, exhaust it and me to the brink and beyond. I wish there was someone who would spend several hours kissing and licking every inch of my body while I eat fresh berries and drink my favourite champagne. I sometimes wish a foot rub was waiting at the end of five hours of being in heels. I could have all these things I suppose but I’m very much enamoured with celibacy and so I have challenged myself to satisfy me in all ways possible. I’ve invested a lot of time into my cunt, clit and orgasm in the past and this new focus has me getting to know all parts better.
Touch has returned to my life in the form of: full body oil massage, light kisses on my own hands, squeezing, grasping, kneading my muscles and fat, stretching with intention, breathing to the brim, stroking and holding my face in my hands, clutching the wind up of my waist in ecstasy, the swell, the sweat, the skin that seems endless and nuzzling patches of forgotten flesh. I touch myself. I touch myself up and down. There is no longer any part of my body that scares me or feels bad or untouchable because I’ve touched each inch possible. I know what it feels like to be touched in each spot and it’s been sweetly and deeply rewarding. To kiss my own arms and feel how soft my skin is, the micro crush of the light hairs as my lips connect all the way to my fingertips. The sweet pain of crushing and releasing the firm muscles of my calves, my forehead resting on my knees, bone on bone, the pleasure of my body next to me. Stretching and feeling the weight of my breasts pressed against my thighs, I thank and greet my shins as I gaze at my blue, white and pink skin.
This new challenge has presented me with many rewards of the flesh but the greatest strength has been in my self worth. I know so much better how soft, sweet, sexy, beautiful, precious, delightful, erotic, charged, tender, touchable and delicious I am. I have in the past made the choice to give myself to people, I now understand, did not deserve the great privilege of knowing, seeing or touching my body. How could I have underestimated the honour of kissing a line across my collarbone? Why did I undervalue the sweat on the nape of my neck? Didn’t I wonder about the bend in my lower back that seemed to electrify so acutely? I didn’t explore these notions before because I didn’t feel like my body was mine. It was a tool or a turn on or transport. Touch has brought us back together, exercise and meditation have greatly helped too. I’m protective of myself but with different strength, no need to hide or defend, just firmer in my worth. I’m ‘hard to get’, always have been, practically a nun now, and that feels like the right place for me at the moment. I’m looking forward to partnership in a different space than I have before, the adventure and thrill of sharing these parts of myself, knowing the pleasure of simply touching my skin, it will be a joy to genuinely give this experience to another sweet and passionate person. In the meantime, my body becomes more mine with each evening we spend together, each moment I invest in my own sensual pleasure and with the tenderest attention I give.
Enjoy the rest of your February darlings! Touch yourself! Have fun!
This post was written by RWL columnist Rubyyy Jones – Rubyyy Jones is a performer, writer and producer, living and working in London. As a writer, Rubyyy’s ethos is of love, lust and light and she has been published internationally online and in print regarding sex, erotica, feminism and LGBTQ activism. You can find her on Twitter and Facebook. Images of Rubyyy in this post are by Carolyn Cowan Photography.