Allice Darke: The Year of the O

Image via cranky messiah's Flickr photostreamI am turning 30 this year. It’s not something that feels right to me in many ways, but there it is. I said it. I try not to get hung up on age, but it’s a struggle, and I’ve found myself feeling like I should think of some positives to round out my (not at all crippling and embarrassing) fear of ending up alone and not-in-a-fierce-and-awesome-independent-lady-kind-of-way. One thing that came to mind is that oft-repeated thing people say about women reaching their sexual peaks at thirty. It never seemed worth consideration to me; my intense and nearly insatiable libido has been in full effect since I was first sexually active at age 17, and I’ve had some great lovers and adventurous moments to spare. Still, the number thirty has me thinking. I’m single. Newly interested (or at least having newly realized my intense interest in) BDSM, and specifically being submissive. And – here’s the kicker – I really don’t have enough orgasms. For all of my sex-positivity and adventurousness and even despite having successfully advised other people to attain greater sexual fulfilment through masturbation (among other things), I am really not into self-love. It is a rare cock that can get me off with penetration alone, and a rare lover who can bring me to ecstasy with his hands. Mouths are my ladyflower’s best friends, but really, they just aren’t as consistently available as would be optimal. This all leads to, well, not very many orgasms, which is rather sad, I think.

Not to be too meta here, but just as I was beginning to think about all this, I read the post Self Love: Connection, Masturbation and Intimacy by Rubyyy Jones here on Rarely Wears Lipstick, and a lot of what she said resonated with me. This part stuck out the most:

“I came to the understanding that I didn’t really know how to make love to myself, to connect with myself in a sensual, loving and, sometimes, orgasmic way. On the physical side, I had been masturbating most of my life but my satisfaction relied on tension orgasms, a practice not conducive to full body and soul orgasms or sharing your come with a lucky individual. On the spiritual side, I had a deep desire to truly connect with another individual, in an intimate and soul-shifting kind of way, and I didn’t really own myself enough to give myself to anyone.”

Image via moogs' Flickr photostreamDespite being so very sex-positive and being able to talk about and have sex with others with joy and reckless abandon, what Rubyyy said about connecting with herself hit me in the face like a ton of embarrassingly obvious bricks. On the physical side, while I have had some truly awe-inspiring, soul-shattering orgasms with partners, I too had only managed to give myself tension orgasms* when alone. On the mental and emotional side… Everything else. So here I am, turning thirty, and I’ve made a decision: I’m going to have a better sex life from here on out, with myself and with others, and this is going to be the year of the O. My O. O’s. O’s and O’s and O’s and “ooooooohhhhh”s and “oooooohhhh goooooood”s and all that goes with them. I intend to make it a journey worth having, too. I have my first high-quality vibrator on the way (I know, I know, a little late to the party). I have procured some Luna Beads, and intend to use them every day for a month to see if kegel exercise can increase the intensity of mes petits morts. I have downloaded to my Kindle several samples of books on pleasure for female-bodied people, and I plan on buying the best few and devouring them along with a healthy dose of Nutella and hopefully a lover or two. I may even spring for the video The Art of Female Self-Pleasuring (somehow Netlix has failed me on this one). I’m curious, and truthfully more than a little nervous, but I think it’s a journey worth having. I owe it to myself and to the partners who should be getting all of me, the best of me, the deepest moans and most contorted, toe-curled, head-thrown-back shudders and spasms, the joy and intimacy and soul and sensuality that has seemed such a satisfyingly deep well but may in fact be an ocean. Wish me luck. I’ll see you on the other side of O.

*I seemed to instinctively know what this meant, but for those who are confused by the term “tension orgasm,” Betty Dodson’s article Learn a New Orgasm: How to Upgrade Your Masturbation Technique is a handy and quick read.

This post was written by RWL columnist Allice Darke – Alice is a heterosexual, mostly monogamous, cis-gender woman and believes fiercely in sex-positivity for all; whether they are fabulous kinky pansexual polyamourous people or absolutely terrific and lovely transgender abstinence-practitioners, or however else they choose to identify (or not). This column is all about the readers, and as such, Allice encourages openness and honesty and promises that responses will be judgement-free. Images via cranky messiah and moogs‘ Flickr photostream.

12 thoughts on “Allice Darke: The Year of the O

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  1. Wow! This post really speaks to me. When I masturbate it feels like I’m releasing pressure and is almost always quick. I think I need to join you in taking tips from Rubyyy too!

    1. I apologize – I didn’t see this comment until now! But I am so glad it spoke to you, and I hope you *will* join me and have your own year of self-discovery. We all deserve to have amazing orgasms and to love our bodies with wild abandon. Here’s to Rubyyy and a very good year!

    1. I really need to figure out how to get comment notifications on these posts! Thank you so much for the love, and for the inspiration. <3

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