Full disclosure folks, I, your sex columnist, have not ‘had sex’ in quite a while; sex being any intimate contact with another individual. I’ve shared some wonderful kisses and soared high on the joy and thrill of another being’s loveliness and sexiness but nothing more than that. It doesn’t matter how long it has been, it hasn’t met my longest break of eighteen months, but like that time, it is a choice to separate sharing my sex with other people.
I began my journey into sexuality by focusing on myself. After several unhappy and sexually traumatising and/or unsatisfying relationships, I realized I had to empower myself, get a real sex education. I journalled, I read a lot of books and blogs about sex, orgasm and recovery, and I came to the understanding that I didn’t really know how to make love to myself, to connect with myself in a sensual, loving and, sometimes, orgasmic way. On the physical side, I had been masturbating most of my life but my satisfaction relied on tension orgasms, a practice not conducive to full body and soul orgasms or sharing your come with a lucky individual. On the spiritual side, I had a deep desire to truly connect with another individual, in an intimate and soul-shifting kind of way, and I didn’t really own myself enough to give myself to anyone.
I started the old fashioned way; wooed, discovered and made love to myself for the first time in my life. I made dates with me that involved a lot of nakedness, writing and touching (in a lot of different ways) and even though I was learning to be orgasmic, I didn’t want that to be my goal; my focus was knowing so much more than just how I could come. Don’t get me wrong, this was an important part of the process too. I needed to retrain my body, it took time and discipline, and I had to face pain and fears, feelings and memories coming up that I couldn’t have anticipated. Reading about other people’s experiences and books about sexuality really helped me and journalling was my sanctuary, I filled several notebooks with anything and everything that came out of my heart and mind. I faced my sex, literally, I got out my little mirror and really looked myself in the v-eye; this was one of the most powerful steps I took and I recommend it to all.
And so began my love affair with my cunt! I love expressing through art, writing and photography and my vulva became my muse. I took my first photos of my sex, painted pussy portraits in a workshop of half naked ladies, had her moulded for the Great Wall of Vagina and was delighted by beautiful charcoal drawings by my art collaborator, Stormy Artist. I really felt fabulous in my body too, worshipping it with yoga, lots of touch and attention and I embraced colour, prints and accessories in my personal style. I explored every fold, sensation and crevice, with all kinds of touch, toys and intention but I made sure I continued to focus on my overall pleasure and intimacy, not just my orgasm or my vulva, and by the time I was twenty-four (about to turn twenty-five) I was orgasmic and very much involved in a love affair with me.
As lovers and partners have come in and out of the equation, it has been interesting to balance having sex with myself and having sex with someone else. My cunt has become a compass, our conversation has been ongoing, and there have been rare times when I was right about someone or something and she was wrong; she is pretty much always right. Dating and partnering has definitely meant fewer dates, parties and less mirror time-for-one but that’s understandable and a preciously fair trade when you’re spending time with someone delightful and, because I took the time to connect with myself, my commitment was firm in my personal relationship. Perhaps I will forever be polyamorous, even if I remain monogamous, because of this marriage to me, and I love the sentiment of that; I’m excited, after years of disconnection, by the place I find myself in.
As I mentioned, I’m back again, making my sex life a party-for-one and rekindling the femme flame I hold for me. I’ve known some incredible love, sex and individuals over the last few years but I’ve also endured through a lot of heart-wrenching drama, vulva trauma and my lessons learned felt very much put to the test. And so I am healing, with patience, gentleness and sweetness, being softer and kinder to myself than I ever thought possible and I honestly am touched by strength and the forgiveness of my vulva. I’m blessed to have a blossoming relationship that makes me very happy indeed. I don’t demand anything of or from myself but, rather, work hard, to prove to my pussy, to show my vulva, that I am the one who deserves her affections, I am strong enough to stand in the wake of her sexual, sensual storm and I have re-earned her trust and I will be vigilant to keep her safe for as long as we both live.
This post was written by RWL columnist Rubyyy Jones – Rubyyy Jones is a performer, writer and producer, living and working in London. As a writer, Rubyyy’s ethos is of love, lust and light and she has been published internationally online and in print regarding sex, erotica, feminism and LGBTQ activism. You can find her on Twitter and Facebook. Images accompanying this post are by the talented Sharlena Wood.