Lacey Nicholas: Fat, sex and comfort zones

Sex has always been a huge part of my life. Over the years, and thanks to a string of one night stands and varying lengths of relationships, I’ve successfully managed to notch up a fairly substantial number of partners. I never really dwelled too much on society’s perceptions of what the implications of having it off with a multitude of partners – I was having way too much fun!

I guess I have always been conscious of my size. It’s something that others have always kindly pointed out to me, and sometimes I am amazed at its lack of impact on my carnal rampages. I shouldn’t be amazed really, should I? Why should body size hinder me on my quest to find a nice dick to sit on? And yet, in a world where every media outlet churns out images of beautiful slim toned women and pops them up on pedestals of desire and beauty, it can be hard to own a lumpy podgy cellulite-y body and still want to place it, naked, on top of someone else’s in the vain hope that you might both feel some sort of pleasure.

When it comes to sex with a stranger or a first-time boyfriend, I try to calmly think things through without getting too far inside my own head. I think of what every sexual experience usually starts with: a kiss. Passionate hair grabbing, bodies pushing close together, the excitement of what is to, ahem, cum. I do think there is something so confidence boosting about kissing someone until you can feel their arousal gouging a hole in your thigh. And from then your mind floats to “They are hard. I was kissing them. So clearly my size isn’t hindering their sexual feelings. Onwards and inwards!” Being aware of how your partner is feeling can sometimes help to calm how your yourself are feeling. And let’s be honest, most people will be thinking about their own hang ups or insecurities, whilst also planning the best way to get their genitals touched.

Clothing removal can often be part of foreplay. With my ex, we were often just naked around the house and so it was only when we went away that we relived that excitement of trying to kiss someone whilst not falling over some hastily removed shoes, jeans half off, bra hook like a Rubic’s Cube. The beauty of clothes also means that, so long as the goods are easily accessible, not everything needs to come off. A top can be yoinked down to free a nipple to suck on, but it still serves to conceal a back or belly that might be a little shy. Dresses can be hoiked up but again leave you feeling not so exposed. It can all add to the excitement and lust of the situation.

Getting butt naked with someone is something I prefer to do with the lights down low, even when in long term relationships. For me, there is no way out of the self consciousness that comes with having such a vast area of flesh on display and not knowing there the other person’s eyes are directed. A room doesn’t need to be pitch black, but glaring lights are a big no no in my book. One of my most uncomfortable sexual experiences was with a rather intense German chap. Whilst we ‘made love’ he had some sort of weird native folk songs playing on his laptop, which was positioned by our hips and next to the mattress we were shagging on. Every time the light of the screen dimmed to darkness I relaxed, but he would incessantly tap keys until it came back on, so that he could watch me, my face and his frantic pumping by the glow of his iTunes. It was a little mortifying and I’m surprised I didn’t dry up there and then! I may be alone in my phobia of the light but I do think it is important to know your comfort zones, and work your way slowly out of them only if and when you feel it necessary.

Being unclothed with someone in the semi darkness means that the power of touching, caressing, spanking and all of those other wonderful tactile experiences are heightened. I am very aware of my wobbly thighs and soft stomach. But those parts of me that I am made to feel bad about when a Facebook ad pops up and tells me how to get rid of them, somehow feel sexy and goddess like when I am stroked and explored by another’s hand. Yes I have been known to divert touch away from my tummy rolls, or lie panicking on my back sucking in for dear life, waiting for that hand to wander southwards. But generally, a dim light and a stranger’s touch help get the juices flowing. Being bigger and getting to the point where you and someone else are having sex can be the scariest thing in the world. But by focusing on the action rather than what you perceive to be the reaction, and making sure you make you are in your comfort zone, you can have the basis for a great sexual experience.

How do you like your first time seduction served? Does being body conscious change things for you?

This post was written by RWL columnist Lacey Nicholas – “I’ve always been a fat girl, and I’ve always loved sex. Some people assume that these two pastimes can in no way go hand in hand. I am sharing my experiences with you in the hope that my tales of pleasure DESPITE my size may inspire and empower others.” Images via Lori Greig and Megan Leetz‘s Flickr photostreams.

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  1. The first time is always more awkward than I like to let on. Although it’s exciting to be with someone new, I’m always conscious of what they’ll think of me without my clothes. I like to think I hide my podge quite well, so I then start to panic that my lover will be disappointed in some way. It was refreshing to spend time with a straight guy a while back who was unimpressed by sexy dresses, stockings and all the other things that had become part of my date routine. Since then, I have hooked up with men and women who helped me relax. My paranoia has eased but that first hurdle always seems quite high.

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