Lovelyyy to meet you, my name is Rubyyy Jones and I’m going to be your non-expert, sex expert here on Rarely Wears Lipstick. I’m planning on covering a range of topics about sex, sexuality and sexual identity and would also love to hear from you, in the comments or on twitter, about what you would like to read more about, to learn or what you wish was talked about more. I’ve been a sex writer for several years now but as I said, I’m no expert. I’m a person who has made a promise to myself to explore and empower my personal sexuality and I have had so much fun, I usually share along the way; lucky you! Thank you for joining me and I look forward to keeping up this conversation in the spirit of safety, fun and sanctum.
I wasn’t sure how to begin and I thought it be fair to share a little bit about me… I’m a heterosexual, monogamous, poly spirited lesbian!
Well… a few years ago I began exploring my identity as someone who was polyamorous, which started with my first experience: heterosexual non-monogamy with a dash of heterosexual polyamory, a long-term long distance lover and another lovely lover in an open marriage. Then I delved into polyamory and my bi-curiousity became heteroflexibility and swung into ‘bisexual’ territory as I refined and expressed my sexual side. Now, a few years later, I find myself mainly focused on women and my heart feels more monogamous than ever before. If I had to choose a single word for myself, I suppose it would be queer.
Some of these conclusions are very recent developments and I’m fascinated by the journey I’ve allowed myself to take, the amazing people I have learned from and loved along the way and who I’m discoverin I am. Actively allowing yourself to discover you and the way you love and make love, isn’t always easy, but I feel it’s definitely worth any heartache, exhaustion or fears that I’ve experienced.
Part of living in your identity is examining some of the labels you chose to apply to yourself, in order to communicate, network and connect. So, now you might be thinking, “well if we’re secure in our identity, why do we need labels?” To which I would agree that labels aren’t always fair, fun or necessary – they can be rigid, restricting and redundant. I would present an option three: what if it’s a personal label, one you’ve chosen for yourself or given yourself because you feel it best represents your individual sexuality, your personal religion, your morality.
I think what keeps labels from being fluid and fun is our own lack of imagination and misconception that our labels, once chosen, cannot change. I think it’s natural for your orientation to change throughout your life, and though I believe it’s totally natural for some to remain a single sexuality throughout their lifetime, part of me doesn’t believe you can truly know your sexuality until you are at the least open to the idea that you could be something other than what you are now. The great Betty Dodson has identified as a “heterosexual, bisexual lesbian” and now identifies as simply “sexual”. She inspires me with her witty definition and also her anti-label label. Perhaps you’re a “Furry Poly Princess” or a “Leather And Lace Trans Lesbian” or “Cis Sissy Boy With Sass”!
One of the more taboo aspects about sexual fluidity and change is the pressure some feel from their communities to remain attached to them in a specific way and the hostility and hurt that arises when seeking out. Groups, like individuals, don’t always respond to change so well. People who are neither secure in their own self-awareness, nor empathetic to the (sometimes fragile) journey that is discovering and declaring your personal orientation, can project negatively when their beliefs are challenged. On the other side, people remain fixed in their communities due to fear of rejection and the backlash they would likely face if they chose to seek out sexual experiences outside them. I’ve felt the sting of rejection, judgement and coldness over defining my sexuality on a very individual level. For me, charting my own sexual course has always been worth the not so nice stuff because, without fail, it always leads me to new and very genuine connections that allow me to honour myself and who I really am.
This post was written by RWL columnist Rubyyy Jones – Rubyyy Jones is a performer, writer and producer, living and working in London. As a writer, Rubyyy’s ethos is of love, lust and light and she has been published internationally online and in print regarding sex, erotica, feminism and LGBTQ activism. You can find her on Twitter and Facebook.