Relationships: Finding what’s right for you

Did you know what you wanted to be when you grew up? Most kids have an idea of what they think their grown up life would look like and usually it’s all pretty straightforward, based on what they know about grown up life so far. They’ve seen that some adults have jobs as things like singers, television presenters, police officers or astronauts. They’ve seen that some adults are mums and dads, and that some are in relationships with other people.

Then comes the careers advice. At our school there was a sort of test where you rated academic disciplines, job tasks and other criteria (e.g. working outdoors) by how important/interesting they were to you, and then a computer told you what sort of jobs you’d be suited to. I don’t remember what my results said, but I do recall that they mentioned a lot of careers I’d not previously considered or heard about. This was then followed up with more advice: where to look for information on what jobs were out there, what the people in those roles actually do, and what route(s) you could take to get into the same sort of position.

This was all amazingly helpful but, sadly, nothing like that is ever done to help us find what sort of relationship would be right for us. If it’s obvious that different people are suited to different types of jobs, why does it not follow that they might also be suited to different relationship styles? I guess because not everyone knows that there is more than one. Mind you, just because some of us discover alternatives to monogamy, doesn’t mean that we’re saying they’re better. It’s just that knowing what’s out there can help you make a more informed choice about what’s right for you.

Check out my post on definitions of nonmonogamy, add in what you know about monogamy, and then see which relationship type on the list seems to be the best fit for what you need and want from romantic and sexual relationships. Or you could pop over to OkCupid and take one of their many tests. Like the careers test I took in school, it could help you work out which path is likely to bring the most happiness. Just blindly falling into the first thing that comes along rarely works for a job hunt, so why assume it’ll work for relationships?

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts can be found at

Image via Akbar Sim‘s Flickr photostream.

3 thoughts on “Relationships: Finding what’s right for you

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  1. It would be useful to have more readily-available resources for finding out what’s right, particularly given the assumed default of monogamy.

    I am tickled by the mention of the careers test though. There must have been some sort of bug at my school; literally everyone in my year was told that sandwich maker was their best career option!

    1. That’s hilarious! Bet it really pissed off the kids who already knew they were going to be doctors or lawyers 🙂

      There must be an online test somewhere (like the political compass) that works out which relationship style is best for you.

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