Because I just know that all my readers identify as female, are all dating men, and are spending every waking moment wishing they could do more to please their fellas, I thought I’d share some of my top tips for sexy fun times. These amazing pearls of wisdom are guaranteed to drive him wild with absolutely no need to spend any more money on expensive glossy magazines like Cosmopolitan! You’re welcome.
‘Disco Stick’ Technique
Make sure you rub his penis in as many different ways as you can think of. After all, variety if the spice of life! Hand jobs should go all over the place, not just up and down, so that he gets to feel every little scratch of your long sparkly nails. Men love that shit. Try to memorise every complicated move that the magazines show you and stick with them even when your guy doesn’t seem keen. After all, you’re touching his cock. How could he not like that?
As Russell Brand once said, there is no sexual act that cannot be improved by spitting. And we all know how awesome Mr Brand is at the sexing, right? It’s all about quantity not quality, people! Make sure you enthusiastically drool your way through every blow job (there should always be lots of them), and don’t forget to make those super hot slurping noises every now and again. Of course, you shouldn’t expect your man to reciprocate or you might come across as a bit too needy. It’s not all about you, ya know.
Make sure you wear a skirt that can be lifted up and a top that can be pulled down. Getting naked is so overrated, and it’s scientifically proven to be really bad for your self esteem too. Just remember to wear your super sexy lingerie (even if it’s uncomfortable as hell), as he’ll love it. Trust me, all men are exactly the the same. You don’t even need to ask what they want.
Assume The Position!
You know those long lists of sexual positions that you’ve seen in magazines? Try as many as you can think of and, when you can’t remember any more, just make stuff up. Sex is best when you’re moving around and switching positions all the time. Otherwise, he’ll probably just cum instantly because you’re so damn hot, right? Prolong the joy for as long as possible by changing position just as he hits his stride. He’ll love you for it.
Spice Things Up
So, you thought that sex was a mutually enjoyable activity to be indulged in by consenting adults? Wrong! It’s all about his pleasure (yours will just happen because you love pleasing him), and you don’t need his consent because men are always up for a shag. Always. Even if the football’s on… or they’re working from home. Liven up your sex life by surprising him with a fondle while he’s driving, or via sexy photos of you sent to him while he’s on an important conference call. There are no consequences other than more awesome sex!
In case you hadn’t worked it out yet, this post features a heavy dose of sarcasm. It was inspired by Ben Reininga’s fantastic piece for Jezebel on Cosmo’s 44 Most Ridiculous Sex Tips. N.B. When I said “guaranteed to drive him wild”, I meant with frustration rather than passion! DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. (Images are from the utterly ridiculous Carry On films, just in case the sarcasm of the text didn’t fully come across.)