5 Top Tips To Drive Him Wild

Because I just know that all my readers identify as female, are all dating men, and are spending every waking moment wishing they could do more to please their fellas, I thought I’d share some of my top tips for sexy fun times. These amazing pearls of wisdom are guaranteed to drive him wild with absolutely no need to spend any more money on expensive glossy magazines like Cosmopolitan! You’re welcome.

‘Disco Stick’ Technique
Make sure you rub his penis in as many different ways as you can think of. After all, variety if the spice of life! Hand jobs should go all over the place, not just up and down, so that he gets to feel every little scratch of your long sparkly nails. Men love that shit. Try to memorise every complicated move that the magazines show you and stick with them even when your guy doesn’t seem keen. After all, you’re touching his cock. How could he not like that?

As Russell Brand once said, there is no sexual act that cannot be improved by spitting. And we all know how awesome Mr Brand is at the sexing, right? It’s all about quantity not quality, people! Make sure you enthusiastically drool your way through every blow job (there should always be lots of them), and don’t forget to make those super hot slurping noises every now and again. Of course, you shouldn’t expect your man to reciprocate or you might come across as a bit too needy. It’s not all about you, ya know.

Getting Naked
Make sure you wear a skirt that can be lifted up and a top that can be pulled down. Getting naked is so overrated, and it’s scientifically proven to be really bad for your self esteem too. Just remember to wear your super sexy lingerie (even if it’s uncomfortable as hell), as he’ll love it. Trust me, all men are exactly the the same. You don’t even need to ask what they want.

Assume The Position!
You know those long lists of sexual positions that you’ve seen in magazines? Try as many as you can think of and, when you can’t remember any more, just make stuff up. Sex is best when you’re moving around and switching positions all the time. Otherwise, he’ll probably just cum instantly because you’re so damn hot, right? Prolong the joy for as long as possible by changing position just as he hits his stride. He’ll love you for it.

Spice Things Up
So, you thought that sex was a mutually enjoyable activity to be indulged in by consenting adults? Wrong! It’s all about his pleasure (yours will just happen because you love pleasing him), and you don’t need his consent because men are always up for a shag. Always. Even if the football’s on… or they’re working from home. Liven up your sex life by surprising him with a fondle while he’s driving, or via sexy photos of you sent to him while he’s on an important conference call. There are no consequences other than more awesome sex!

In case you hadn’t worked it out yet, this post features a heavy dose of sarcasm. It was inspired by Ben Reininga’s fantastic piece for Jezebel on Cosmo’s 44 Most Ridiculous Sex Tips. N.B. When I said “guaranteed to drive him wild”, I meant with frustration rather than passion! DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. (Images are from the utterly ridiculous Carry On films, just in case the sarcasm of the text didn’t fully come across.)

12 thoughts on “5 Top Tips To Drive Him Wild

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  1. Gr8 work! Worth also sayin if u don't really feel like havin sex ur frigid init(!!) If this has EVER happened 2u, u wanna see a doctor coz no man want to be forced 2 a night of girly cuddlin!! Can u imagine! LOLZ!!!
    Is also tru if u wan MORE sex than ur man. Go see sum1 grrl. ur clearly a nympho an' have real problems. Libidos rnt a matter of indavidual diffrence, u no! Duh!

    * That could have been more accurately text-speak but I'm already in pain. If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom washing my hands 100 times..

  2. Where is the advice that emphasises listening to your partner and actually asking them about their preferences. I don't think the tips themselves are necessarily bad (note to self: look into disco stick), but presuming someone's sexual niches and likes, or that everyone (male or female or other) are the same, is a sign that a relationship doesn't seem to have much communication.

    Although currently single, one thing I did in a relationship was talk about what we liked, didn't like and what we might like to explore. I myself was surprised that some things she didn't like and how she thought by my response that I didn't like things, when it wasn't the case.

    As true as it is in poly relationships (which you have pointed out in your blog) as it is with anything else in any kind of relationship: communication is vital!

    For the record I'm a men's magazine reader, and I do quite like the advice in publications such as Men's Health, there was an issue about how to deal with a conflict in a relationship, plus the more 'technical' advice on lovemaking, which was written by a woman. Of course, not every male oriented publication is especially enlightened on women!

  3. @M – I have to admit to not having read Cosmo (or sinilar) for quite a few years now, but they always used to publish pieces on sex that did not encourage communication and made the assumption that heterosexual men were pretty much all the same. I'm *really* hoping that things have changed, but they still seem to be churning out fashion/beauty crap that assumes women are all the same so I'm not holding my breath. One day I'll buy a bunch of mags to see if they've got any better in the intervening years… when I have enough cash! 🙂

  4. I'd say its probably not worth the money. The other day I was walking into a supermarket, and there's a magazine stall right at the entrance and I saw a big load of 'women's publications' (which I think is patronising to all women) with headlines that were all about scandals and other things that just seem to enjoy making people feel shocked and upset. The F-Word put up a great piece on this recently. I uploaded a picture to illustrate this point!

    There's definately a space for more enlightened publications aimed at women. Especially with tripe like this…


  5. I swear I actually read once in Cosmo – or it might have been More!, now I come to think about it – a bit of blowjob advice that roughly read as the following:

    Next time you're going down on your man, try nibbling gently up and down the length of his shaft and running your teeth over the head of his penis – the sense of danger will drive him wild!

    Fortunately, I have never tried this out, so I wouldn't like to report on whether men are driven wild by the fear of having their penis bitten at any moment.

  6. I hope I won't out myself as too kinky or graphic, but I have to admit that thing with the teeth *can* be nice, if done well (gently and slowly) and if a person's teeth do not happen to be too sharp. Over the 'head' on the top part of the penis glans rather than the underside/frenulum – now that would be a nightmare!

    That said. I think the issue with sex tips is that everyone is different and all people (gender inclusive) have different points of sensation and things that they enjoy and don't enjoy.

    I'm not saying however that I enjoy getting my organ bitten, but a hard texture like the top teeth, as part of experimenting with different textures and touch (other examples of different textures: ice, feathers…). I also think if you were ever doing to do something like that with your partner, trust would be a bigger part of this than fear. A man gives a lot of his vulnerability if he's willing to do something like that, same thing goes for BDSM type situations.

    I hope I haven't been too crude Lori!

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